 |
 |
today the glitterbomber is... |
2003-06-18 once more, stress has gotten the better of me. i had what i can only call a breakdown last night. i�d been trying to hold it all together all day, but everything got to be too much for me. my stress and the poor way i�ve been dealing with it were a major cause of a fight i had with my boy last night. a fight that coincided with my breakdown (but has since been mostly resolved). it was not pretty, but i am getting through it, and i got through last night without doing anything stupid. i�ve been saying this over and over again to everyone, but i am tired. i�ve been so busy working and worrying about everything and everyone else that i haven�t been taking the time to care about me. i have a lot of things on my plate right now, and i feel as if i should take care of all of them myself and as soon as possible. i feel that if i ask for help or if i don�t get something done, then i�ve failed. it�s hard for me to train my mind to understand that i can only do my best, and if i need help, i need help. it�s not a sign of weakness to admit i can�t do something on my own. i just wish i could remember that. so, today i made a list of things i need to do for work, and i think i can get everything done by the time it needs to be done. i talked to katrina about the work i�m doing for her, and we prioritized some things, she offered me help with some others, and she reassured me about the way that things were going. the support i�ve been getting from my boy, katrina, and people at work has also been a big help to me. it helps to put things in perspective and to see that it�s not normal to have constant stress headaches and stomachaches. it�s not normal to have one�s body constantly tight and tense. i�m driving up to see my boy tomorrow after work. i originally didn�t want to bring work with me, then guilt set in, and i decided to bring work after all. after i freaked out last night, i firmly told myself no work this weekend. i need a break from it. my boy and i have a lot of things planned for the weekend, and i want to be able to relax and enjoy myself. besides, it�s not fair to him if i sit and do work while i�m there. my hard drive is dead on my work computer. this is distressing to me. they took it to get it fixed yesterday, so i�m hoping to get it back tomorrow or friday. luckily, i�ve had non-computer things, such as home interviews, to keep me busy, and my boss offered me the computer in her second office as a backup while mine is out of commission. still, it makes me realize just how much i use my computer at work and how much i want it back. it�s painful not being able to check my work email. this morning, i had to meet with my grants officer to return old study participant payment checks and pick up new ones. i love just being able to tell him a need a hundred blank checks and getting a stack of them. of course, the process is not quite that simple, but that�s essentially what i do. the grants people moved their office, so i had to drive there this morning. i was told to park in the garage and that they�d pay my parking. (i later found out i had to park in the garage so i wouldn�t get mugged or my tires slashed. it�s happened before to other people.) i pulled into the garage, parked, and started into the building. a garage attendant appeared out of nowhere and started hassling me. why are you parking in the valet section? didn�t you see the sign? you can�t just walk away like that! i tried telling him that i didn�t see the sign and that i was told i could park there. he gave me attitude and asked for my keys. when i handed them to him, he literally threw them on the table. when i met with the grants officer, i told him that the parking lot guy was �like, the meanest person in the world.� (it�s a wonder people take me seriously when i talk like a twelve year old.) when i went back to get my car, the attendant couldn�t even get off of his butt to give me my keys. he did, however, tell me to have a nice day. i told him to do the same, adding, �maybe you can do something about that attitude� before i drove away. oh, i�ll have lots to talk about in therapy tomorrow. *** quote of the day: my boy: i�m sweaty, and invisible bugs are crawling all over me. *** np: pop will eat itself �not now, james�we�re busy� |
