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today the glitterbomber is... |
2003-06-13 i am so glad to be home. that conference was, overall, a waste of time and grant money. i feel bad, but neither i nor my boss knew enough about it to make a judgment before i went. anyway, it�s over with, and it definitely was an experience. the drive upon tuesday was uneventful. i left around nine in the morning, and it took me a little over three hours to get to harrisburg. even though i�m used to driving long distances, it seemed like it took forever. there was a lot of construction but a lot of pretty scenery to look at. there may not be much in terms of civilization in central PA, but the green, rolling hills are beautiful, and there are four tunnels to go through because of the mountains. it�s cool. when i got to harrisburg, i had a little trouble finding the parking lot for my hotel, so i circled a lot before i saw it. my room wasn�t ready yet, so i walked over to the hotel where the conference was held so i could register. the two hotels were only a block apart, so it was very convenient. i checked in at the registration table and got the schedule, my name tag (which i did not wear, as i don�t like them), a t-shirt, and some other things. i sat down to check out the schedule and noticed that we were asked not to wear perfume or aftershave, though i�m not really sure why. the organization seemed concerned about everyone�s needs. now, before i left for this conference, i didn�t have much of an idea of what it was all about. as i read the schedule and then took a look around, i began to get a clearer picture, and i started to feel very out of place. i should have realized that, since the organization is called the pennsylvania mental health consumers association, there would be mostly consumers there, but i thought there would be at least some people like me there�people who are professionals working in the field. well, i seemed to be one of the only people like me there. don�t get me wrong, i�m a consumer, too, but most of these people were a lot more ill than i ever was or i hope will ever be. i guess i just couldn�t relate. or maybe i didn�t let myself relate. when i was there, i identified as a professional first and foremost, even though i felt like a terrible snob. the pmhca seems like a good organization to get involved with�they help educate and advocate and try to reduce stigma�and it�s great to see so many people being proactive. it looks like i might not be as tolerant as i thought i was, and i�m mortified by it. after i checked out the schedule and such, i checked out the exhibitors and chatted with some of them. i talked to a pharmaceutical rep about a new antipsychotic medication, and i gave him a card for the clinic where i do my research. so maybe we�ll get a visit from them and a free lunch. there was also a table and some people from the hospital where i work, which was a surprise. turns out that my work is one of the major funders for this conference. i also found out about a program that matches up people with mental illnesses to volunteers, kind of like big brothers/big sisters (though �no one is big or little�). it sounds like something i�d want to get involved in, so i�m going to give them a call, as long as i don�t procrastinate or flake out. i decided to skip the orientation session after i overheard one of them (the woman was explaining the importance of showing up to workshops on time), so i walked to a little shopping area that was close by. i only managed to waste an hour, and that was after stopping to have a bagel for a late lunch. there was a nice, shady park nearby, and i sat and people-watched there for a bit. by around three, i figured my hotel room had to be ready, so i went back to check in. my room was much larger than was necessary. i have no idea why i got a room with two double beds, but i can�t complain. it was pretty nice, except for the leaking bathroom ceiling. they fixed that super-fast, though. i hung out in my room and did work until dinnertime. i headed back over to the other hotel, and as i was leaving my hotel, another conference participant came up to me and asked me how i was doing. i have no idea how he knew i was from the conference, but i knew he was because he was wearing his nametag. they all wore their nametags everywhere. �how was your day?� he asked me. i told him it was good and asked how his was. sucking down a cigarette, he told me that is was good. �my coping skills are good lately,� he explained. it was chaos outside of the ballroom where dinner was going to be held. sometime that afternoon, busloads of people came, and they and their luggage were all over. i didn�t get my oil changed before i left pittsburgh, so i asked a hotel worker boy where i could get go to have that done. he was interrupted so many times in the midst of writing down directions for me. people kept coming up to him in order to ask where there luggage was or just to check on it. (�have you seen my green suitcase?�) furthermore, people�s rooms weren�t ready yet, so he had to deal with that, too. i don�t know how he had so much patience and kept a smile. i should add hotel worker to the list of jobs that i would be terrible at because i�m not a nice person. people were lined up in front of the locked ballroom doors, occasionally trying to open them. when the doors were opened, it was almost a stampede to get in. i sat at a table by myself but it soon filled up with other people. a man from philadelphia named paul sat on my right. �i got the depression,� paul told me. he�s also bipolar but doesn�t take any meds at all, preferring to manage his illnesses by exercise. he spooned the ice cubes out of his glass of iced tea and dropped them into his glass of ice water. trouble was, he didn�t notice when the ice piled up so high that the water overflowed. he was oblivious to the overflowing and kept spooning ice cubes in. i watched in fascination. he was also a messy eater; by the time he was done eating, the tablecloth was rumpled, had a spreading water puddle, and was littered with crumbs. one of the water glasses had a lettuce leaf in it from when paul was picking through his salad, removing anything that wasn�t iceberg. once the salad was �clean,� he wrapped it up, plate and all, in a cloth napkin, and stuck it in his backpack. again, i watched, fascinated. still, he was calm and friendly and even asked me if i minded if he gave himself an insulin shot at the table. daryl sat on my left. he was a blind man from pittsburgh. i helped him out by telling him what food was coming and where things were on the table. i�d never seen a blind person eat before; turns out they just stab until they get enough on their forks. at one point, daryl and paul were having a conversation about marijuana. there were a couple of women across the table who overheard us talking about the neighborhood in pittsburgh where my sister lives and where daryl will be moving. it turned out that they work in the drop-in center where my sister goes. they said i looked like her, especially when i put my hand up to my face a certain way (my sister makes the same gesture). it was a weird coincidence. the food they served us was terrible. it was glorified cafeteria food. i expected better at the hilton and because the conference was something like $250, not including the hotel. but no, it was turkey slices, an ice cream scoop of mashed potatoes, gravy, and previously frozen mixed veggies, the kind where the carrots are cubes. i hardly ate, and i had been starving. since the hotel boy told me the oil change place closed at seven, i left a little after six to try to make it. his directions were a bit confusing and vague, so i got a little lost, though i did find the ghetto and a nice path by the river that madder me wish i�d brought my rollerblades. somehow, i found myself on the right path, but when i pulled into the jiffy lube, it was five to seven. boo. so i picked up some food and headed back to my room to watch tv, so work, and talk to my boy on the phone. (if he hadn�t called me, i would have gone insane.) even though tuesday wasn�t that great, i thought wednesday would be better or at least not that bad. well, it wasn�t exactly bad, but it was extremely boring. i sat through a workshop on legislative advocacy and learned nothing, then i sat through the organization�s annual meeting. at one point, they handed out glowsticks, and everyone sang a song about recovery sung to the tune of �lean on me.� if you know me at all, you know that is not my scene, and you would be right if you are speculating that there was much eye-rolling on my part. after the meeting, they served lunch. today, it was pork, green beans, and roasted potatoes. the man next to me asked the server if there were any other meal alternatives, but she apologetically said no. i don�t eat pork, and i hate green beans. i tried a couple potatoes, but they sucked. so i left and walked down the street to a place that makes big, yummy burritos to order. later that afternoon, i went back for a �town meeting� where some participants told elected officials about their positive experiences in recovery and with the system. they made me think a lot. they were also touching�more than one person said that they might not be here next year if the state cuts funding like they say they are going to. i hope their honesty about suicide got to the hearts of those officials. on a somewhat related note, i have a few scars on my arm from cutting myself. it was interesting to see people at the conference noticing them but not staring or commenting or passing judgment like many other people do. it was pretty weird for me. later that day, i met up with my friend kristen for dinner. she�s a friend from college who�s currently living about a half an hour away. we went to a japanese restaurant, walked around for a bit, then attempted to find a vintage store she used to go to when she was in high school. we went to where it used to be, but we discovered it moved, so we headed over to the new location. they had some cool things, but nothing i wanted to buy. after that, we weren�t quite sure what to do since neither one of us knew the area. we finally decided to get ice cream and discovered that there is a severe lack of ice cream in our state�s capital. seriously, we drove around forever until we finally found a baskin-robbins. we did find the governor�s house in our travels, though. he lives about two blocks from the ghetto. i guess it�s because both are very close to the capitol building. thursday, i decided to skip the conference all together, since i figured i wouldn�t miss much. i got an early start and went to get my oil changed. it was only nine-thirty when it was done, so i went to panera for a bagel and lemonade for breakfast. i hung out there for a while and read my book, then i drove to hershey. i wanted to see if i could find anything for my chocoholic boyfriend. hershey literally smells like chocolate; it�s yummy. and yes, the street lamps on the main street (chocolate ave.) are shaped like hershey�s kisses. i debated whether or not to go into �chocolate world,� the part of the park where the souvenir shop and factory tour are. i knew it was free, but i thought you still had to pay for parking. i discovered that the first two hours of parking were free, so i did go in. it was weird being by myself there. there were all families with young kids and couples. i got in and out very quickly and left with some chocolate and tacky souvenirs. it was lunchtime by then, so i had some demon fast food. i had no idea what else to do, so i went to the mall and tried to waste a little time there. actually, it was a good thing i went there because i found the perfect purse to go with the silver shoes i just bought to wear to a wedding. victoria�s secret is having their annual sale or whatever it�s called, and cheap undies are always good, too. it was still early in the afternoon by the time i was done in the mall, but i went back to my hotel anyway. i wanted to do something outside, but the humidity was stifling. so i watched more tv and did more work. i felt like a big lazy butt, honestly, and i was bored and lonely, besides. at one point, i went to the grocery store for dinner (they had a rockin� salad bar), but it was definitely a boring night. i couldn�t wait to go home. today, i went to one workshop on weight management (i could have given a better workshop, i�m sorry to say), and then i busted out of harrisburg to the tune of �freedom� (yeah, yeah). the drive home seemed much shorter than the drive out, and my cat is overjoyed to see me. i have to decide what i�m going to tell my boss about the conference on monday. �it might not have been the best use of my time, but i still learned something,� is always a good one. i think this is the longest diary entry i have ever written. congratulations if you are still reading this. |
