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today the glitterbomber is... |
2003-05-13 i am filled with hummus-tabbouleh-falafel-pita goodness. mmm� and i�m wired from caffeine. it was very much needed. i kept spacing out during a meeting this morning. i�ve been so tired the past couple of days. when i wake up to gray, damp, chilly weather, my body wants to stay in bed, despite my mind�s protests that i better get my ass to work. the work week started on a very boring note, but luckily, things have picked up, and i have more structured things to do at work. i have come to the realization that i need at least some structure at work. i don�t like a rigid schedule, but i at least need some concrete deadlines and regular meetings so that i can plan my time accordingly. if i have a blank schedule, i tend to waste inordinate amounts of time just sitting at my desk, no matter how long my to-do list is. i only see my boss maybe once or twice a week, and that sometimes makes me lazier. i like not having anyone breathing down my neck, but when the cat�s away� i�m trying to work up the nerve to ask for a raise. i need one, and i think i deserve one, but i�ve never had to ask for one before. it�s intimidating. i have no idea what is the average salary for someone like me. positions like mine are never listed on those salary website thingies. all i know is what i�d like to be making. (realistically. �cause wouldn�t we all like to be making six figures?) i�m always afraid i�m selling myself short. my father�s birthday is at the end of the month, and i�m debating whether or not i want to send him a card. i mean, i haven�t spoken to the man since before xmas, and i didn�t even receive an xmas card from him. the tie between us is stretching thinner and thinner. i don�t think i�m going to cut it formally, but i�m wondering if it will break on its own. really, my life isn�t much different without him in it at this point. i�m not getting the occasional free dinner or guilt-trip pound bag of twizzlers (one of his super parenting methods is to give my sister and i lots of candy to make up for stuff he�s done to us. yeah, that works.), but there�s no more forced conversations, endless questions about my sister, feeling like i'm being put in the middle, and all of the pent-up anger and resentment i felt from having to pretend everything was "okay" between us while we're ignoring the past. i feel as if sending a card might be seen as an invitation to be in each other�s lives again, and i don�t want that. i just have to get over the "bad daughter" feelings of guilt i have. i guess that can be a topic for therapy later this week� *** quote of the day: "sex with him is kind of like space mountain...it's always fun, but you don't always know where you are or what's going on." �amy b |
