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today the glitterbomber is... |
2002-03-22 just got back from a pretty much useles lecture. you'd think something titled "sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll" would be at least somewhat entertaining, right? wrong. studies of adolescents and the media tend to be a bit moralistic for me, although that's just a personal viewpoint. at any rate, i didn't learn anything interesting or useful at this lecture. at least it got me out of my office for a bit. yesterday, my boss was feeling stressed and cranky and overwhelmed and said to me, "you seem so stable. how do you do it?" i just stared at her in disbelief for a few seconds. then i said, "i just started taking medication, actually." we talked about it for a bit, and she was really cool and understanding about it (her ph.d. is in psychology). people express similar sentiments to me all the time: "you seem so calm, stable, etc. you seem like you handle stress really well." okay, seem is the key word here, because i am a mess inside. these people don't notice the wild look in my eyes, the blood under my fingernails. they don't see the illegible scrawl in my paper journal as i try to make some sense of my feelings and gain some sense of control. sometimes i like the security of hiding my feelings. sometimes i don't want people to know...it makes me feel weak, and i can't stand the over-concern. so this whole getting-everything-out-in-the-open is a new experiment for me. will honesty with others lead to honesty with myself? (or the other way around) i'm still trying to figure it all out. and i'm still trying to figure out how i feel about having my boss know a little about what's going on with me. there was a change from her usual tone of voice when she asked me how i was this morning. i think i'm okay with it, and i do appreciate her concern. i got her a pretty pot of daisies as a thank you. and that makes me feel pretty good. /crazy stream of consciousness ramble now i must go plan stonerfest 2002 with amy b. |
